Killie

The SPL wrap: Thom Watt’s Excellent SPL Adventure

Pic: © SNS Group

It’s been a busy weekend with little time to take in the delights of the last two days worth of SPL action.

But, alas, there is the SPL wrap to write! All of the matches need to be surveyed and dissected, so what to do if we’ve missed them all? There’s only one thing for it…a time machine.

9:32pm, Sunday 26th February.

This weekend has evaporated in a haze of Resolve Strengthener, sunbeams, rainbows and limbo dancing, just like any other, but this time I’ve managed to go the duration without taking in any of the beautiful game. Fear not, ever the professional I’ve constructed a rudimentary time machine using tin foil, a pizza box and a spare flux capacitor. We’re going to go back in time to report on this weekend’s games as they happened. It’s live text from the past! here we go (presses start button).

11:55am, Saturday 25th February.

Initially I feared that we’d gone back too far. There’s talk of trouble in the Falklands, tensions between the government and the unions and everybody here is wearing shellsuits. Fortunately we’re in AD 2012 and my hometown of Paisley for St Mirren against Aberdeen. quite possibly the nil-nil-iest fixture in the history of the SPL, given Saints have had three consecutive goalless draws and Aberdeen have had two. if my meddling with the space/time continuum doesn’t knack everything, this meeting of stoppable force and moveable object might. Cover me, I’m going in…

12:46pm To think that I built a time-machine for this. Ryan Jack had the ball in the net, but it was offside. Other than that we’ve not had much, so I’ve started a company called Skynet…

1:12pm Well, that was surprising! St Mirren’s own pocket-sized 50 Cent, Nigel Hasselbaink, has opened the scoring for the Buddies. Aberdeen don’t score goals, so they’re never going to be able to ge…

1:14pm Aberdeen have equalised through Scott Vernon. both teams have scored? Something’s definitely up.

1:50pm Surprisingly entertaining stuff at the end. Gary Teale could have won it for St Mirren, Peter Pawlett could have won it for Aberdeen. Now, I’ve got an hour to kill so I’m off to travel back in time to foil that mad professor who unleashed that 60 foot robot on Glasgow on Sunday. if he doesn’t turn up on the news then you know I’ll have been successful.

3:00pm Automaton apprehended, we’re back for the 3pm kick offs. I hope I haven’t altered history or anything…

3:17pm This is the first sign that something’s gone wrong. Hibs have scored through Tom Soares. Ziggy tells me there’s an 83.2% chance that meddling with the past has caused this.

3:33pm We’ve got some semblance of normality again, as St Johnstone have gone one goal up on Dunfermline thanks to Murray Davidson. That’s the Pars side we know and love.

3:35pm 2-0 to St Johnstone now, which should put my mind at ease, but the second was scored by Callum Davidson…

3:41pm Dundee United take the lead against Hearts via Jon Daly’s 14th of the season. Presumably if there’s a call for Anthony Stokes to get into the Ireland team then Daly’s name should be mentioned too, no? Still, no amount of time engineering can make the Jambos consistent.

3:46pm I’ve definitely done something wrong. I think I’ll have to go back and fix things. Roy O’Donovan has added a second goal for Hibernian against Killie.

4:14pm Motherwell have stood firm for the majority of their game with Celtic but Gary Hooper has just edged the Hoops in front. That’ll be Celtic stretching their lead to 23 points for the night then

4:21pm 3-0 to Hibernian. Dear God, what have I done?

4:28pm Dunfermline have pulled a goal back at St Johnstone thanks to Paul Burns. Good strike from him too; you could even say it was “first degree”. I joke as creation starts undoing itself.

4:33pm maybe the damage isn’t that huge? maybe if I go back in time and give up my writing credit on Citizen Kane it’ll be ok? I probably shouldn’t have forced Liege to release Jean-Marc Bosman either. the impressive Lee Croft has got another one for St Johnstone, so normality levels are stable

4:38pm Faith restored. Hibs are going to win this one, but not without conceding as Dean Shiels gets a rather special free-kick. the saying goes that “if he was Brazilian we’d be waxing lyrical about it”. Presumably in Brazil they apply the same theory, crediting stoicism and graft amongst the local players with the credit “if he were Northern Irish…”

4:40pm Dundee United look like they’ve won this one and have to be favourites for a place in the top six. Gavin Gunning has made it 2-0.

5:02pm some entertaining stuff here today. I’m off to right the wrongs that I did and hopefully convince Alan Hansen to leave the ball to Willie Miller at the 1982 World Cup. I shall see you tomorrow, which will be yesterday for those of you reading on Monday. got that?

12:40pm, Sunday 26th February.

If I’m looking for clues about normality, they’re unlikely to be found at the Caledonian Stadium. would it be more “normal” for Rangers to win or, given their current predicament, would a Caley victory be the sign of the times?

12:51pm Rangers have started this one, well, as if their jobs depend on it. Steven Davis has this match by the scruff of the neck, like PC Murdoch would Oor Wullie, and has the first of the day.

1:01pm Sone Aluko has doubled the lead in the Highlands. Composed strike from the wee man.

1:21pm it can’t be, can it? yes, yes it would appear that Andy Little has scored a third for Rangers. Smart finish too. What’s with all these guys coming out of the wilderness to play starring roles? first Kerkar, now Little, who’s next? Federico Nieto? Makhtar N’Diaye? Daniel Prodan?

1:25pm Inverness have one back thanks to a Steve Williams header.

2:12pm That’s back to a three goal lead as Lee McCulloch taps in his second of the season.

2:35pm Rangers looked far more impressive than they did against Kilmarnock last weekend. That’s that done with, now let’s fire up this baby one more time and get back to the present day…

Present day. Present time.

Having stolen the clothes and motorcycle from a couple of hoodlums I return home. Time is clearly too dangerous to be faffing around with, so I lock the time machine away under the stairs. Scottish football is a strange and unpredictable place without my interference.

Meanwhile, back in reality…

IN BRIEF

• Celtic maintain (74) the 20 point lead at the top of the division. if both Celtic and Rangers win all of their remaining games then Rugby Park will play host to the title-winning party for the second season in a row.• Motherwell (48) fall six points behind Rangers (54), while St Johnstone look to have all but cemented their top-six spot (39).• Dundee United (37) are well placed too, moving into fifth. Hearts (36), in third place not so long ago, are now in a battle for a top half finish.• Aberdeen (32), Kilmarnock (32) and St Mirren (30) retain hopes of pinching that sixth place.• Inverness (27) are probably too far back to mount a challenge for the top half, but look comfortable enough in tenth.• Hibs (22) move clear of Dunfermline (19) for the first time in what seems like forever.

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